Image credit: Creature Comforts Blog
***Update*** I’ve gotten some of the nicest, most sincere responses to this, and I appreciate every single one. I’ve tried to personally respond to each of them, but for some reason, WordPress is giving me issues and won’t accept all of them. If I haven’t replied to your comment personally, please know that I did read it and really, truly, appreciated it. Thank you to everyone who commented!
One of my favorite bloggers, Ez of Creature Comforts, just wrote this awesome post about her “real” life- not the one portrayed in every post. She’s not the only blogger talking about this reality – she even linked a huge list of other bloggers participating in the same challenge.
I’m going to try to participate, too. Here goes:
(Warning: this is a long sob story that may or may not have a point. Read at your own risk.)
Even as I try to openly admit here that I’m nervous about being brutally honest, there’s this nagging voice that says “Seriously? Like anyone cares about what you have to say.” I’ve been half-heartedly blogging for a few years now, and my goal really wasn’t ever to build it into something serious until recently. But, in the past few months I’ve been trying really really hard. What changed? Well, to understand that, you have to know a few things about me:
I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life. It isn’t that I’m not ambitious or some kind of slacker; actually it’s the complete opposite. I want to do EVERYTHING. Everything. Seriously. I have a million interests. My mom says I’m too influenced by the power of suggestion. If you were to send me an interesting article about… clouds, for instance, I’d probably spend the next few weeks devouring everything I could on the subject and decide that I wanted to be a cloudologist. After some time, the next interesting article would catch my attention and clouds would be replaced with whatever the newest thing was. Okay- maybe that example is a bit extreme, but it’s very close to my reality.
I’ve always been “that” girl. You know, the one who was never “cool” because she didn’t have the right clothes and liked all the weird things, and whose parents didn’t let her do all the same things as the other kids. In high school, I was fortunate to have a big group of friends and acquaintances who were pretty accepting (band geeks), but in middle school I was bullied a lot. I was the only kid from my Catholic elementary school to go to the public middle school, and I was really *not* hip at all. I wanted to stand out, and I did… in all the wrong ways. Giggles and whispers followed me everywhere I went; there was even a group of girls who would follow me out of my classes every day and follow me down the hallway, taunting me. I would have things ripped out of my hair and held up while they giggled and told everyone that my mom shopped at Goodwill (this was before thrifting was cool, folks). The boy I liked told me I was fat in front of all of his popular friends, and I believed him (funny thing was- I really wasn’t fat at all). At a school dance, the preppy girls paid him to ask me to dance, and then stood around and laughed at us. As I’m writing all of this, more and more memories that I had forgotten about are flooding back. There was always this one little hopeful, trusting part of me that would think “This time will be different! They’ll surely like me now!”… except it was middle school, and that just doesn’t happen. I know this isn’t exactly an uncommon experience; middle schoolers are brutal, and at that age, no one knows how to handle it. Somewhere along the way, I made a decision (conscious or unconscious, I don’t know) to just be indifferent. I developed Chronic Bitchface (it’s funny, but it’s not) to ward people off, and developed an extraordinary use of sarcasm as a means of self defense. I was (and still am) far too prideful to admit that it affected me. I started to believe that everyone was like that – mean and hurtful to anyone who wasn’t like them. It struck me that I had become my own worst enemy when an old friend from elementary school went to college and met one of my classmates from high school (I didn’t know her very well, but we shared some classes). He asked if she knew me, and she said “Yeah, she was a real bitch.” I was shocked to hear that- I’m not a bitch, but I always assumed the worst of everyone else.
Since I’ve been an adult, I’ve learned that everyone struggles with insecurity and most people aren’t truly mean, but my gut reaction is always distrust. Especially because I’m still “that girl”. The one with the weird hobbies. The one who doesn’t go out to the bars and party because she’d rather knit.
I know very few people “IRL” who are like me, so I go online. I blog for an audience who “gets it”. The same kind of people who go to the store and don’t buy things because “I could just make that myself’, or the people who are inspired by everything and need to make all the things.
Here’s where this all ties back into my secret fears (I told you we’d come back around). I read tons of other blogs written by people who seem just like me – but I still feel like I’m “that girl”. Like I’m back in middle school, trying way to hard to get people to like me, stupid enough to believe that they ever will. Like everyone else looks down on my blog and secretly thinks I’m a loser. Like even the good and kind people are just tolerating my existence, humoring me. I bust my ass to make sure everything on this blog is perfect, so there are no chinks in my armor. I show no weakness.
There is absolutely no good reason for me to think these things. But I do, and I don’t know how not to.
BUT here I am, showing you all the one giant chink in my armor. The thermal exhaust port in my Death Star, so to speak. I feel like most of these type of posts need a succinct summation of all the important parts, and a nice, well-rounded moral of the story; a happily ever after. I don’t really know what the moral to this story is. I’m not even 100% sure it all makes sense. I’m exhausted after writing it, and I don’t really feel like double checking to make sure it makes sense. I think I’ve thoroughly presented myself as a cliche at this point, so  I should probably stop.
I guess the real reason I wrote this is that all of the other posts struck a chord; their collective honesty was so similar to my own story that I thought I should share mine in the hopes that I’m not alone in it. It feels like a huge risk, but if only a few other people raise their hands and can say they know how I feel, I think it will be worth it.
If you have your own “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You” post, please link to it in the comments! I like reading them. Make sure to check out Ez’s list of other posts, too.Â
Tags: link love, random, rant, sob story, story time, things i'm afraid to tell you, tldr
Oh I am so raising my hand Natalie…both of them actually. I was that girl too… the chronically uncool one. The one that was always a day late and and inch shy of actually “getting it,” and it’s an identity that I have to work every day to not carry around with me. But man it’s hard…and I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I hear what you said and your courage inspires me. Thank you so much for being a part of this challenge!
xo Ez
Whew, breathing huge sigh of relief here! Thank you so much for reading it and “getting it”.
Same. (hands both up.) It’s amazing how much of that crap we carry with us, still. Sending mental hugs to our middle school selves!
Hi Natalie! As you mentioned above, there is “absolutely no good reason” for you to think these things and as much as I would wish it, there is nothing I could say that would make you believe that it isn’t true. That doesn’t mean I won’t try!
I came across your blog during one of those “down the rabbit hole” web adventures where you start in one place and discover a host of others and I am totally captivated. I love to craft but I use the net in a very piece meal kind of way–I don’t follow blogs or do much social media. When I come across sites (like yours!) that are cool, I bookmark them and tell everyone I know about them and my friends do the same for me. You are obviously hugely talented in many ways (crafting, writing, photography, and web stuff just to name a few!) and you seem so kind and down to earth. There are a lot of people out there, as I hope that you are finding out via your blog, who can totally relate to your story. I’ve met most of my fellow crafters/geekettes/sci-fi&fantasy fans in person but now we are all spread out geographically and I wish we could all meet up with you and make mini-pinatas (OMG, that little burro is so cool!). In short, you are definitely not alone in feeling as you do and I hope you get to meet our kind IRL. In the meantime, please keep sharing your talent, courage and inspiration with us here. Sending you virtual hugs and real warm wishes. 
Hello Natalie!! Everything you said resonated with me specially the bit about walking around with your “Bitch face”. Ha !I totally did this and was looked upon as totally arrogant whilst if you knew me that could not be further from the truth! There are loads of people who would and do get you! You are amazingly talented and creative keep doing what you do. Hugs from a tiny place in Meditteranean sea!
@Sascha,
Where is your tiny place in the Meditteranean?? I’m so jealous- I’ve never been to that part of the world, but in my imagination it’s breathtakingly gorgeous.
Thank you so much for stopping by to chime in! I’m so happy to know that so many other people have felt the same way. You are too kind.
Me too! Same girls. Same cruelty. Same undying desire for acceptance. BUT – glad we have each other! I adore you, Natalie. <3
@Shanna,
I’m glad there is someone who knows exactly what I’m talking about, hah. But I accept and love you 
I adore you, too
Hi Natalie! I just wanted to tell you that this post really touched me – I have always personally struggled with being “that girl” and I not only think that you are INCREDIBLE for writing this/ sharing a part of yourself with world – but also think you have such a good heart, it’s in your work and the posts you create and its inspiring. I am very happy to know you
Katie
@Katie,
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for your kind words. It’s hard and wonderful at the same time to be a “that girl”, and I am very happy to know you, too.
I have the same problem about wanting to be everything. It’s actually driving me crazy. I was telling my friend the other day that I might be a hypochondriac for careers
. Hopefully we’ll both eventually figure out what we want to do!
@Natsumi,
Hypochondriac for careers… that’s an awesome way to put it! I’m going to use that now
Best of luck to finding that one “thing”!
Thanks for commenting!
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@Kayron,
Yes, many hugs are in order for our young selves. Thank you so much for chiming in. I’m feeling much better about this whole thing
Hi, Natalie, I thought I wrote you a comment on this post, but I don’t see it, so here goes. This is SOOO me! I’m the girl with a million bajillion interests and some talents and no idea what to do with it all. I’m that girl who everyone thought was a bitch in high school because I had been hurt so many times, I refused to let any more people in and hurt other people before they could hurt me. I’m the girl thinking that my life isn’t good enough door those same high schoolers, that I would feel less than them if I ran into them on the street. Yup, I’m the girl who kind of can’t get over high school and how hurtful and mean and cruel it all was.
But that’s just a part of me, just like its just a part of you. Cuz you see, we’re cool in our own ways. We’re bloggers, DIY-ers, funny, dorky, helpful, and kind. We bring things to the table that no one else can. We might not know exactly what we’re doing right now, or what we want to do, but man, when we figure it out, watch out world here we come! And high school can suck it!
It’s interesting to read this, because I feel the same way, although my experience in high school was different. I figured out how to survive in that unforgiving culture, and I was aware of what I was at the time, even if I mostly ignored the strategy behind it. Despite being very shy in elementary and into middle school, I made a conscious decision to befriend everyone when I was in 8th grade. Ok, so maybe I wasn’t friends with everyone, but I had friends among several different groups (cliques). The weird thing is that to do this, I had to become someone else depending on who I was with. Which was weird, especially when I knew what I was doing on some level. It left me feeling pretty unsatisfied, and often unhappy deep down, but it helped me get through high school relatively unscathed. It also left me really confused about what to do after I graduated. It was like I wasn’t even 100% sure of who I was or what I wanted. I since moved on to college where I met people among who I could totally be myself, which is an amazing gift, but part of me wonders if I’m still suffering from an identity crisis. When I hung out with some friends again after being in college for a few years, it was the most frustrating experience ever because I felt like I was someone so different, so much more “me” and they didn’t want to hear it; didn’t want to see it.
Since then, I do think I’m still becoming more and more myself all the time, but I still struggle with the wants vs. the shoulds. The trick I’ve learned recently is that there really are no “shoulds”. Shoulds belong to someone else, and I’m doing my best to leave them behind and pursue what I want. But there again, we have something in common–I’m totally interested in everything and want to DO IT ALL and MAKE ALL THE THINGS!!! My most recent side track was to investigate the Paleo/Primal way of eating, and it literally sucked me in for months because I was so fascinated. I created very little and read all the time, and seriously considered becoming a nutritionist!
Re: the chronic bitch face thing. I think I might suffer from this too. I was once told that I was “very unapproachable” and “very intimidating” which shocked me to hear as much as hearing your “Yeah, she was a real bitch” comment seemed to have shocked you. I was like, “waaah? but i’m so friendly and I love people”. But clearly that’s not the vibe I give off! Oh well!
Ok, I kinda feel like I just wrote a mini “things I’m afraid to tell you” post and part of me wants to delete everything I wrote and replace it with a “way to go you are awesome thanks for sharing” comment, but in the spirit of the post, I won’t. I’ll leave it and you can read it and think whatever you’re gonna think. Even writing this little bit, I realize it does take bravery to write and present this kind of post. I’m really glad you did! Maybe just maybe I can work up the courage to write one and share the really scary stuff. :[]
Anika (Or Ais? Lol)
I’m so glad you left it for me to think whatever I’m going to think, because I. Think. You. Are. Awesome. For sharing this.
Seriously.
I actually started writing a whole big thing here, but I think I’m going to save it for a follow-up post instead. Hooray! Thanks for the inspiration! I’m glad we “met” through the Sketchbook Project
Wow, your follow up sounds exciting! Glad I could help inspire!
I’m glad we “met” through the Sketchbook Project too. It’s always so interesting to look back (oh it’s been days and days…
) and see the twists and turns that I take on the internet, and how it connects me to awesome people like yourself.
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I can so relate to you girl! Glad I found you.
Oh, I’m glad you found me, too! Thanks for stopping by!
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